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Author Topic: [Q&A] How to deal with it, if good or beloved are treaded unfair?  (Read 390 times)

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Offline Johann

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[Q&A] How to deal with it, if good or beloved are treaded unfair?

Quote from: by Tanvika Singh on BSE
How to deal with being ignored?

At work, my mother experiences that she is being ignored by most of her co-workers. She feels isolated and sad. What can she do?

Venerable members of the Sangha,
walking in front Fellows in leading the holly life.

  _/\_  _/\_  _/\_

In Respect of the Triple Gems, Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha, in Respect of the Elders of the community  _/\_ , my person tries to answer this question. Please, may all knowledgeable Venerables and Dhammika, out of compassion, correct my person, if something is not correct and fill also graps, if something is missing.

Valued Upasaka, Upasika, Aramika(inis),
dear Readers and Visitors,


(This is a maybe modified and expanded answer of the "original" that can be found here .)

- Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammā-sambuddhassa -

Especially in cases where ones "gods" (e.g. teacher, parents, good friends, but also and specially the Buddha, Dhamma, Sangha: those how are real supporters and people of goodness torward one) is treaded unfaily or by wrong judgement it's not an obligatiin to take side in improper ways and even out of ones range, but to stick simply with ones duties torward them. In that frame, the questiin was answered as following:

When thinking goes wrong, one suffers. If one thinks about what he/she does not have, desires for it, developes ideas of "I would have a right", "I deserve that", then misery increases and often unskillful actions in words and deeds follow. Such is a poor person, no matter how much he/she possesses and destinated to poor realms.

If one on the other side thinks in terms of what he/she has, even in terms of what he/she can give and shares the wealth he/she has like one who can, then that person, however less he/she might own, is always a most rich Deva/Devata. No possession of wealth, regard, honor and wellubeing can excel his/her's.

Not knowing much of your particular case, but it's obvious that your mother owns or has got something better, which not many people gain from their child, namely, the care of her daughter.

So try to learn be generous and think in good ways :


- Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammā-sambuddhassa -

There is the case where a certain person is not covetous. He does not covet the belongings of others, thinking, 'O, that what belongs to others would be mine!' He bears no ill will and is not corrupt in the resolves of his heart. [He thinks,] 'May these beings be free from animosity, free from oppression, free from trouble, and may they look after themselves with ease!' He has right view and is not warped in the way he sees things: 'There is what is given, what is offered, what is sacrificed. There are fruits & results of good & bad actions. There is this world & the next world. There is mother & father. There are spontaneously reborn beings; there are brahmans & contemplatives who, faring rightly & practicing rightly, proclaim this world & the next after having directly known & realized it for themselves.' This is how one is made pure in three ways by mental action."

and give your mother that what really repays what you owe her. And by explaining to her what is right thinking, she will be a wealthy well-regarded person for long long time.


Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammā-sambuddhassa

"I tell you, monks, there are two people who are not easy to repay. Which two? Your mother & father. Even if you were to carry your mother on one shoulder & your father on the other shoulder for 100 years, and were to look after them by anointing, massaging, bathing, & rubbing their limbs, and they were to defecate & urinate right there [on your shoulders], you would not in that way pay or repay your parents. If you were to establish your mother & father in absolute sovereignty over this great earth, abounding in the seven treasures, you would not in that way pay or repay your parents. Why is that? Mother & father do much for their children. They care for them, they nourish them, they introduce them to this world. But anyone who rouses his unbelieving mother & father, settles & establishes them in conviction; rouses his unvirtuous mother & father, settles & establishes them in virtue; rouses his stingy mother & father, settles & establishes them in generosity; rouses his foolish mother & father, settles & establishes them in discernment: To this extent one pays & repays one's mother & father."
Quote from: AN2.31

That means if even you, as her daughter, got others not to ignore her & brought others to estimate your mother, you would not be able to pay back what you owe her. But if you are able to teach her right thinking, giving, letting go, not to demand: e.g. become a real person by her own, that you gave her what is really hard to gain and a auspicious future for long time.

Having gained the real treasures one becomes secure. Wealth, regard, praise, well-being... the eight wordily Dhammas, are not for sure.

By Attending to and serving just her good qualities and being careful and respectful to correct that of what is not right and possible seen as ugly on her behalf; you are not only a real good daughter, but a real admirable friend . A person who does her duties and gains release, step by step. One who serves the Buddha & the gods.

(A nice tiny story comes to mind, maybe able to translate when back from alms)


A son went with his old father to a restaurant for dinner.

His father was already old and weak, soiled his shirt and trousers while eating. Other guest looked annoyed at him while his son remained totally calm.

After he had finished his meal, his son - not having been embarrassed at all by that - brought him to the toilet, removed the garbage of food, cleaned the stains, comb his hair, and adjusted his glasses.

Als they returned the whole restaurant observed them while not saying anything loudly, not able to understand how someone is able to disgrace oneself like this in public.

The son payed the bill and went on torward the exit with his father.

At this moment an older man under the guests called after the son and asked: "You haven't had left something here, have you?"

The son answered: "No, I didn't."

The old man countered: "Of course you have! You leave a lessonfor every son and hope for every father behind."

The guest grow still.

My person thinks that one being a daughter, or any other person in a certain relation that deserves gratitude, will understand the lessons shared here as well, in each certain case.

Here are also the ten ways of subdoing ones anger, ones sadness, ones tears:

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammā-sambuddhassa

"There are these ten ways of subduing hatred. Which ten?

[1] "Thinking, 'He has done me harm. But what should I expect?' one subdues hatred.

[2] "Thinking, 'He is doing me harm. But what should I expect?' one subdues hatred.

[3] "Thinking, 'He is going to do me harm. But what should I expect?' one subdues hatred.

[4] "Thinking, 'He has done harm to people who are dear & pleasing to me. But what should I expect?' one subdues hatred.

[5] "Thinking, 'He is doing harm to people who are dear & pleasing to me. But what should I expect?' one subdues hatred.

[6] "Thinking, 'He is going to do harm to people who are dear & pleasing to me. But what should I expect?' one subdues hatred.

[7] "Thinking, 'He has aided people who are not dear or pleasing to me. But what should I expect?' one subdues hatred.

[8] "Thinking, 'He is aiding people who are not dear or pleasing to me. But what should I expect?' one subdues hatred.

[9] "Thinking, 'He is going to aid people who are not dear or pleasing to me. But what should I expect?' one subdues hatred.

[10] "One does not get worked up over impossibilities.

"These are ten ways of subduing hatred."
Quote from: Aghata Sutta

Now having cleaned your heart with the Juwels and the tools of the Noble ones, go on, and give a share of that brightness there where it might be dark at this time. For one having falled into darkness, how could he/she be a light. Having taken a real refuge one is no more able to fall into dark.

Mudita with you both rich people, and those having served that the lessons got possible good provided.

(After having written, or while still writing this, Dhammadhatu (Element) "cleaned away the garbage and spots" in the text carefully, meaning he corrected spelling, grammer and son approaches into daughter, silently. And it was up to him that it can be readed more pleasant. He left a sample for all sons and ways of convidence for all fathers behind.)

This duties of help in ones own relation are best mentioned in the duties of a disciple toward his teacher and can be applied for other relatiins as well. The relation of your parents, teacher... are not really yours and itjs mostly not proper, not even possible, to invent into others business being not really included there:

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammā-sambuddhassa

[When outside:]
“If the preceptor is bordering on an offense, (the student) should stop him.[1]

(Mv.I.25.20) “If dissatisfaction (with the holy life) arises in the preceptor, the student should allay it or get someone else to allay it or one should give him a Dhamma talk.

“If anxiety (over his conduct with regard to the rules) arises in the preceptor, the student should dispel it or get someone else to dispel it or one should give him a Dhamma talk.

“If a viewpoint arises in the preceptor, the student should pry it away or get someone else to pry it away or one should give him a Dhamma talk.

(Mv.I.25.21) “If the preceptor has committed an offense against a heavy rule (saṅghādisesa) and deserves probation, the student should make an effort, (thinking,) ‘How can the Saṅgha grant my preceptor probation?’

“If the preceptor deserves to be sent back to the beginning, the student should make an effort, (thinking,) ‘How can the Saṅgha send my preceptor back to the beginning?’

“If the preceptor deserves penance, the student should make an effort, (thinking,) ‘How can the Saṅgha grant my preceptor penance?’

“If the preceptor deserves rehabilitation, the student should make an effort, (thinking,) ‘How can the Saṅgha grant my preceptor rehabilitation?’

(Mv.I.25.22) “If the Saṅgha wants to carry out a transaction against the preceptor — censure, demotion, banishment, reconciliation, or suspension — the student should make an effort, (thinking,) ‘How can the Saṅgha not carry out that transaction against my preceptor or else change it to a lighter one?’

“But if the transaction — censure, demotion, banishment, reconciliation, or suspension — is carried out against him, the student should make an effort, (thinking,)

“‘How can my preceptor behave properly, lower his hackles, mend his ways, so that the Saṅgha will rescind that transaction?’
 1. “It should be understood to be an offense of wrong doing in all cases.” Explaining the meaning, it is said, “In cases like this, even one who is sick doesn’t avoid an offense.” And for one who is not sick who, out of disrespect, doesn’t perform the other duties toward a preceptor that have been discussed, in breaking the duty there is an offense of wrong doing in each case. Thus it will be said, “A student who is not sick, even if he has sixty Rains, should perform all of the duties toward his preceptor. For one not doing them out of disrespect, in breaking the duty, there is (an offense of) wrong doing (see "all duties". And in the sections on what is not to be done, even for one who is sick, performing those actions that are prohibited is likewise (an offense of) wrong doing.”

Commentary: “If he is bordering on an offense, one should stop him”: He is saying something near to the offenses such as (having a lay person recite) Dhamma line by line (BMCI: Pc 4) or (addressing) lewd (words to a woman) (BMCI: Sg 3). “One should stop him.” One should hold him back by asking something like, “Venerable sir, is something like this allowable to say? Is it not an offense? But one should not, (thinking,) “I will hold him back,” say, “Elder, don’t say that.”
Quote from: ??

This duties are very similar in the other direction of a relation as well.

The main different is that the leading person in an relation has the duty bend to a good:

“A preceptor should support and encourage his student by teaching him, counter-questioning him, teaching him, and admonishing him.

This post and Content has come to be by Dhamma-Dana and so is given as it       Dhamma-Dana: Johann

Offline Johann

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  • Date of ordination/Datum der Ordination.: 20140527

Aramika   *

Ein oder mehrer Beiträge wurden hier im Thema abgeschnitten und damit in neues Thema "Q&A] Wie damit umgehen, wenn gute Leute und Geliebte unfair behandelt werden? " eröffnet, dem angehäng.
This post and Content has come to be by Dhamma-Dana and so is given as it       Dhamma-Dana: Johann

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March 19, 2018, 05:20:12 AM
This "wiki"-like backup tool is meant as a outwardy insurance that one does not be afraid that anything possible good can be desroyed or made bad while looking for cleaning it. So worry at all, kamma does not dissapear. No need to fear to make good deeds, knowing that.


March 19, 2018, 04:03:35 AM
And there is no intention to just make a museum out of a working and concentration camp, since the Dhamma can not be understood by just looking on forms but by learning and experiance skillful deeds.


March 19, 2018, 04:00:47 AM
Post-history: http://sangham.net/index.php/topic,1164.0.html (but there is no notification system). My person uses to make a @mention , off topic "/me" in the OP.


March 19, 2018, 03:49:28 AM
Or to simply make a new post. No need to be shy in doing good things. It's not a museum, it's a working and concentration place. Mudita.


March 19, 2018, 03:47:57 AM
There is such as a "wiki" backup function in all posts, Nyom Danilo. Good is to use the mention option, at the places where making changes @Johann , that it gets not "lost".


March 19, 2018, 03:02:46 AM
I have a backup of the original post in any case. I might review the second post next time. Very insightful teaching. _/\_


March 19, 2018, 03:01:35 AM
I've recently fixed many words and sentences of the first post of the thread "Debts, but to whom?". It take me some time trying to figure out the meaning of some sentences. So it would be good if Bhante could check if the original intended meaning of the post still intact. I have a backup of the ori


March 19, 2018, 01:57:28 AM
_/\_ _/\_ _/\_


March 19, 2018, 12:01:09 AM
One leading to peaks pointing downward so that aging, sickness and death can be seen, know him/her as a sage, a giver of release.


March 18, 2018, 11:57:30 PM
One leading people to papanca, promoting rejoicing in objectification as the heart wood, increases to fields of corpse in the world.


March 18, 2018, 12:03:14 AM
Good night _/\_


March 17, 2018, 11:59:14 PM
Vandami, Bhante _/\_


March 17, 2018, 11:51:37 PM


March 16, 2018, 01:19:17 AM


March 15, 2018, 09:53:07 PM
 :-* ich wünschen allen einen verdienstvollen uposatha  :-*


March 14, 2018, 11:19:11 PM
Sounds like a good idea to rest. I will be taking a break from the internet for a while i feel detached a lot from the worldly feminisms and all. It is wonderful not to be lusting, walking the streets with lowered gaze, delighting in meditation... I fear it compromises me to even think about the pol


March 14, 2018, 11:10:27 PM


March 14, 2018, 10:58:38 PM
Marcel, Morits, Upasaka X, it's time to break up this auspicious coming in touch now also for my person. Observe, remember, how you have been yesterday an now and guess of what will be tomorrow probably... maybe just not sure.


March 14, 2018, 10:06:46 PM
Sadhu, _/\_

may Bhante have a peaceful day.

Chom reap sour.


March 14, 2018, 09:58:42 PM
 :-* :-* :-*


March 14, 2018, 09:55:00 PM
O yes... will be a long day, this yesterday, but possible a remorseless.


March 14, 2018, 09:46:45 PM
Vandami Bhante,
good evening (morning in Cambodia?).



March 14, 2018, 03:03:38 AM
Wie war es gestern? Wie geht es heute?

How was it yesterday? How are you today?


March 06, 2018, 02:24:03 PM
Nyom Jens.


March 05, 2018, 02:25:22 PM
 :-* erhwürdiger bhante johann  :-*


March 05, 2018, 02:17:57 PM
Nyom Marcel


March 01, 2018, 12:52:02 AM
Sadhu, eine des Magha-puja allen jenen die sie heute Begehen.


February 28, 2018, 09:48:58 PM
 :-* allen ein verdienstvollen uposatha tag :-*


February 24, 2018, 02:37:41 AM


February 24, 2018, 01:31:25 AM


February 24, 2018, 12:50:00 AM
Es ist sehr selten, ungewöhnlich und erfreulich, zur Mitfreude anregend, junge Menschen Kloster aufsuchend zu sehen.


February 23, 2018, 02:56:54 PM
Namasakara, Bhante _/\_


February 23, 2018, 04:04:45 AM


February 23, 2018, 02:16:16 AM
Nyom Danilo.
(Atma will leave for a while for his almsround.)


February 22, 2018, 10:08:41 PM
 :-* ehrwürdiger bhante johann, ja ich ahb die khmer tastatur installiert! ich werde in den nächsten tagen text teilen und berichten!  :-*


February 22, 2018, 12:34:06 PM
Hat Nyom Marcel schon eine Khmer Tastatur installiert?


February 22, 2018, 12:32:21 PM
So ist das. Wenn Nahrung aufgebraucht, dann ist da für eine Weile Ende, und Wiedergeboren, es wieder brennen wird. Zum endgültigen legen des Feuers sind wir hier, oder? Pfau ruft, Gecko balzt, alles in Ordnung, oder?


February 22, 2018, 12:16:35 PM
 :-* ehrwürdiger bhante johann, letzte nacht davon geträumt, dass es beim ashram brennt!!
ich hoffe, das feuer hat sich gelegt  :-*


February 22, 2018, 11:43:37 AM
Nyom Marcel.


February 22, 2018, 09:08:57 AM


February 22, 2018, 08:49:51 AM
Möge Regen kommen und alle beschützt werden


February 22, 2018, 01:59:08 AM


February 22, 2018, 01:04:19 AM
ich  wünsche einen verdienstvollen uposatha!! all jende für morgen auch einen hervorragenden uposatha!!!
 :-* :-* :-*


February 19, 2018, 06:00:04 PM
Much joy and releasing touches here, Nyom Chris, my person will leave for today, befor it becomes tomorrow, and rest a little.


February 14, 2018, 03:57:33 PM
Sadhu, auch jenen, die ihn morgen, auch Chinesisches Neujahrsfest, begehen, einhalten.


February 14, 2018, 01:37:51 PM
einen verdienstvollen uposatha allen!!!


February 10, 2018, 12:31:09 PM
Sadhu! Mag er fruchtvoll verlaufen sein. Gerade wieder Möglichkeit erhalten, in dieser Welt hier beizutragen.


February 08, 2018, 12:46:43 PM
 :-* :-* :-* ich wünsche allen einen verdienstvollen uposatha  :-* :-* :-*


February 05, 2018, 02:19:14 PM

 :-* :-* :-* sadhu,sadhu,sadhu

 :-* :-* :-*


February 02, 2018, 12:38:06 PM
Meinereiner ist so schnell ie noch nie genesen. Die Symptome des Befalls nur 2 Tage, und die üblichen 5 Tage um das Medikament zu überstehen. Atma ist gerade wohl auf und auch das ist wie für alle nicht sicher. Nutze den Tag heißt vorallem über Alter, Krankheit und Tod, wie Alternative z

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