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[Buddha]

Author Topic: [Q&A] How to deal with it, if good or beloved are treaded unfair?  (Read 784 times)

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Online Johann

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[Q&A] How to deal with it, if good or beloved are treaded unfair?

Quote from: by Tanvika Singh on BSE
How to deal with being ignored?

At work, my mother experiences that she is being ignored by most of her co-workers. She feels isolated and sad. What can she do?

Venerable members of the Sangha,
walking in front Fellows in leading the holly life.

  _/\_  _/\_  _/\_

In Respect of the Triple Gems, Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha, in Respect of the Elders of the community  _/\_ , my person tries to answer this question. Please, may all knowledgeable Venerables and Dhammika, out of compassion, correct my person, if something is not correct and fill also graps, if something is missing.

Valued Upasaka, Upasika, Aramika(inis),
dear Readers and Visitors,

 *sgift*

(This is a maybe modified and expanded answer of the "original" that can be found here .)

- Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammā-sambuddhassa -



Especially in cases where ones "gods" (e.g. teacher, parents, good friends, but also and specially the Buddha, Dhamma, Sangha: those how are real supporters and people of goodness torward one) is treaded unfaily or by wrong judgement it's not an obligatiin to take side in improper ways and even out of ones range, but to stick simply with ones duties torward them. In that frame, the questiin was answered as following:

When thinking goes wrong, one suffers. If one thinks about what he/she does not have, desires for it, developes ideas of "I would have a right", "I deserve that", then misery increases and often unskillful actions in words and deeds follow. Such is a poor person, no matter how much he/she possesses and destinated to poor realms.

If one on the other side thinks in terms of what he/she has, even in terms of what he/she can give and shares the wealth he/she has like one who can, then that person, however less he/she might own, is always a most rich Deva/Devata. No possession of wealth, regard, honor and wellubeing can excel his/her's.

Not knowing much of your particular case, but it's obvious that your mother owns or has got something better, which not many people gain from their child, namely, the care of her daughter.

So try to learn be generous and think in good ways :

 

- Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammā-sambuddhassa -

There is the case where a certain person is not covetous. He does not covet the belongings of others, thinking, 'O, that what belongs to others would be mine!' He bears no ill will and is not corrupt in the resolves of his heart. [He thinks,] 'May these beings be free from animosity, free from oppression, free from trouble, and may they look after themselves with ease!' He has right view and is not warped in the way he sees things: 'There is what is given, what is offered, what is sacrificed. There are fruits & results of good & bad actions. There is this world & the next world. There is mother & father. There are spontaneously reborn beings; there are brahmans & contemplatives who, faring rightly & practicing rightly, proclaim this world & the next after having directly known & realized it for themselves.' This is how one is made pure in three ways by mental action."

and give your mother that what really repays what you owe her. And by explaining to her what is right thinking, she will be a wealthy well-regarded person for long long time.

 

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammā-sambuddhassa

"I tell you, monks, there are two people who are not easy to repay. Which two? Your mother & father. Even if you were to carry your mother on one shoulder & your father on the other shoulder for 100 years, and were to look after them by anointing, massaging, bathing, & rubbing their limbs, and they were to defecate & urinate right there [on your shoulders], you would not in that way pay or repay your parents. If you were to establish your mother & father in absolute sovereignty over this great earth, abounding in the seven treasures, you would not in that way pay or repay your parents. Why is that? Mother & father do much for their children. They care for them, they nourish them, they introduce them to this world. But anyone who rouses his unbelieving mother & father, settles & establishes them in conviction; rouses his unvirtuous mother & father, settles & establishes them in virtue; rouses his stingy mother & father, settles & establishes them in generosity; rouses his foolish mother & father, settles & establishes them in discernment: To this extent one pays & repays one's mother & father."
Quote from: AN2.31

That means if even you, as her daughter, got others not to ignore her & brought others to estimate your mother, you would not be able to pay back what you owe her. But if you are able to teach her right thinking, giving, letting go, not to demand: e.g. become a real person by her own, that you gave her what is really hard to gain and a auspicious future for long time.

Having gained the real treasures one becomes secure. Wealth, regard, praise, well-being... the eight wordily Dhammas, are not for sure.

By Attending to and serving just her good qualities and being careful and respectful to correct that of what is not right and possible seen as ugly on her behalf; you are not only a real good daughter, but a real admirable friend . A person who does her duties and gains release, step by step. One who serves the Buddha & the gods.

(A nice tiny story comes to mind, maybe able to translate when back from alms)

 
Quote

A son went with his old father to a restaurant for dinner.

His father was already old and weak, soiled his shirt and trousers while eating. Other guest looked annoyed at him while his son remained totally calm.

After he had finished his meal, his son - not having been embarrassed at all by that - brought him to the toilet, removed the garbage of food, cleaned the stains, comb his hair, and adjusted his glasses.

Als they returned the whole restaurant observed them while not saying anything loudly, not able to understand how someone is able to disgrace oneself like this in public.

The son payed the bill and went on torward the exit with his father.

At this moment an older man under the guests called after the son and asked: "You haven't had left something here, have you?"

The son answered: "No, I didn't."

The old man countered: "Of course you have! You leave a lessonfor every son and hope for every father behind."

The guest grow still.

My person thinks that one being a daughter, or any other person in a certain relation that deserves gratitude, will understand the lessons shared here as well, in each certain case.

Here are also the ten ways of subdoing ones anger, ones sadness, ones tears:
 

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammā-sambuddhassa

"There are these ten ways of subduing hatred. Which ten?

[1] "Thinking, 'He has done me harm. But what should I expect?' one subdues hatred.

[2] "Thinking, 'He is doing me harm. But what should I expect?' one subdues hatred.

[3] "Thinking, 'He is going to do me harm. But what should I expect?' one subdues hatred.

[4] "Thinking, 'He has done harm to people who are dear & pleasing to me. But what should I expect?' one subdues hatred.

[5] "Thinking, 'He is doing harm to people who are dear & pleasing to me. But what should I expect?' one subdues hatred.

[6] "Thinking, 'He is going to do harm to people who are dear & pleasing to me. But what should I expect?' one subdues hatred.

[7] "Thinking, 'He has aided people who are not dear or pleasing to me. But what should I expect?' one subdues hatred.

[8] "Thinking, 'He is aiding people who are not dear or pleasing to me. But what should I expect?' one subdues hatred.

[9] "Thinking, 'He is going to aid people who are not dear or pleasing to me. But what should I expect?' one subdues hatred.

[10] "One does not get worked up over impossibilities.

"These are ten ways of subduing hatred."
Quote from: Aghata Sutta

Now having cleaned your heart with the Juwels and the tools of the Noble ones, go on, and give a share of that brightness there where it might be dark at this time. For one having falled into darkness, how could he/she be a light. Having taken a real refuge one is no more able to fall into dark.

Mudita with you both rich people, and those having served that the lessons got possible good provided.

(After having written, or while still writing this, Dhammadhatu (Element) "cleaned away the garbage and spots" in the text carefully, meaning he corrected spelling, grammer and son approaches into daughter, silently. And it was up to him that it can be readed more pleasant. He left a sample for all sons and ways of convidence for all fathers behind.)

This duties of help in ones own relation are best mentioned in the duties of a disciple toward his teacher and can be applied for other relatiins as well. The relation of your parents, teacher... are not really yours and itjs mostly not proper, not even possible, to invent into others business being not really included there:

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammā-sambuddhassa

[When outside:]
“If the preceptor is bordering on an offense, (the student) should stop him.[1]

(Mv.I.25.20) “If dissatisfaction (with the holy life) arises in the preceptor, the student should allay it or get someone else to allay it or one should give him a Dhamma talk.

“If anxiety (over his conduct with regard to the rules) arises in the preceptor, the student should dispel it or get someone else to dispel it or one should give him a Dhamma talk.

“If a viewpoint arises in the preceptor, the student should pry it away or get someone else to pry it away or one should give him a Dhamma talk.

(Mv.I.25.21) “If the preceptor has committed an offense against a heavy rule (saṅghādisesa) and deserves probation, the student should make an effort, (thinking,) ‘How can the Saṅgha grant my preceptor probation?’

“If the preceptor deserves to be sent back to the beginning, the student should make an effort, (thinking,) ‘How can the Saṅgha send my preceptor back to the beginning?’

“If the preceptor deserves penance, the student should make an effort, (thinking,) ‘How can the Saṅgha grant my preceptor penance?’

“If the preceptor deserves rehabilitation, the student should make an effort, (thinking,) ‘How can the Saṅgha grant my preceptor rehabilitation?’

(Mv.I.25.22) “If the Saṅgha wants to carry out a transaction against the preceptor — censure, demotion, banishment, reconciliation, or suspension — the student should make an effort, (thinking,) ‘How can the Saṅgha not carry out that transaction against my preceptor or else change it to a lighter one?’

“But if the transaction — censure, demotion, banishment, reconciliation, or suspension — is carried out against him, the student should make an effort, (thinking,)

“‘How can my preceptor behave properly, lower his hackles, mend his ways, so that the Saṅgha will rescind that transaction?’
 1. “It should be understood to be an offense of wrong doing in all cases.” Explaining the meaning, it is said, “In cases like this, even one who is sick doesn’t avoid an offense.” And for one who is not sick who, out of disrespect, doesn’t perform the other duties toward a preceptor that have been discussed, in breaking the duty there is an offense of wrong doing in each case. Thus it will be said, “A student who is not sick, even if he has sixty Rains, should perform all of the duties toward his preceptor. For one not doing them out of disrespect, in breaking the duty, there is (an offense of) wrong doing (see "all duties". And in the sections on what is not to be done, even for one who is sick, performing those actions that are prohibited is likewise (an offense of) wrong doing.”

Commentary: “If he is bordering on an offense, one should stop him”: He is saying something near to the offenses such as (having a lay person recite) Dhamma line by line (BMCI: Pc 4) or (addressing) lewd (words to a woman) (BMCI: Sg 3). “One should stop him.” One should hold him back by asking something like, “Venerable sir, is something like this allowable to say? Is it not an offense? But one should not, (thinking,) “I will hold him back,” say, “Elder, don’t say that.”
Quote from: ??

This duties are very similar in the other direction of a relation as well.

The main different is that the leading person in an relation has the duty bend to a good:

“A preceptor should support and encourage his student by teaching him, counter-questioning him, teaching him, and admonishing him.


Anumodana!
This post and Content has come to be by Dhamma-Dana and so is given as it       Dhamma-Dana: Johann

Online Johann

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Ein oder mehrer Beiträge wurden hier im Thema abgeschnitten und damit in neues Thema "Q&A] Wie damit umgehen, wenn gute Leute und Geliebte unfair behandelt werden? " eröffnet, dem angehäng.
This post and Content has come to be by Dhamma-Dana and so is given as it       Dhamma-Dana: Johann

Tags:
 

Plauderbox

 

Johann

October 20, 2018, 02:52:14 AM
Atma leaves for alms round, Nyom Villa.
 

Johann

October 17, 2018, 06:01:23 PM
May all spend meritorious/good and higher last hours of this Sila-day.

Sokh chomreoun (may well being be developed [by everyone])
 

Johann

October 16, 2018, 03:15:10 PM
Nyom Roman.
 

Johann

October 12, 2018, 04:13:16 PM
Good to see Nyom Norum.
 

Johann

October 07, 2018, 10:38:10 AM
Maybe of support for lasting satifaction: Seeds of Becoming .
 

Johann

October 07, 2018, 06:57:38 AM
When ever love arises, dislike will be it's end. Who ever seeks out for friends, will get his enemy. Why? Because not willing to leave home. May wanderer gus find the way to never return. Mudita

gus

October 07, 2018, 03:38:58 AM
Vandami.

gus

October 07, 2018, 03:38:22 AM
Nevertheless my courage of active participation  has been fallen down. Anyway I hope to come time to time.
Okasa dwarattayena katam sabbam accayam khamata me bhante.

gus

October 07, 2018, 03:37:11 AM
Okasa bhante,

I didn't accepted Dymitros invitation to start a Theravada forum, because I thought this forum is pure Theravada. Now I regret about it, yet think this forum is comparatively good.  I learnt many valuable things from you and grateful to you. Nevertheless my courage of active partici
 

Johann

October 07, 2018, 02:20:29 AM
What ever one searches for, that he/she will find. Less are those seeing the nature of combined thing, leaving home and go beyond Maras domain.
 

Johann

October 06, 2018, 11:45:18 PM
 

Johann

October 06, 2018, 11:39:12 PM
When one is born in outer regions ... your island has drifted away.
 

Johann

October 06, 2018, 11:30:00 PM
macchariya, a boarder hard to cross to the middle way, abounding home, sakayaditthi, doubt and rituals.

gus

October 06, 2018, 02:33:02 PM
However much one say, West is West, East is East.
 

Johann

October 06, 2018, 02:28:29 PM
Where ever there is east, there is west. And vici versa. Where ever there is nama, there is rupa. Where ever one seeks for a home, there he will suffer.

gus

October 06, 2018, 02:03:31 PM
West is West

gus

October 06, 2018, 09:56:42 AM
belief of kamma, gratitude, independence, honesty, devotion : These are hard to find in people
 

Johann

October 06, 2018, 05:49:14 AM
Again, a latin proverb mit be useful: Quod licet Iovi, non licet bovi , patisota is always harmful if not just one own defilements or having a proper stand to help. Sota is the virtue required to resist in borderlands.
 

Johann

October 06, 2018, 05:41:52 AM
If in a borderland it's better to simply serve and support the Sangha. It's not smart to seek for other householders to nurish on traced imperfections of something required to uphold, wanderer gus.

gus

October 06, 2018, 04:54:48 AM
Okasa, happy to hear such things reagarding kamma. Many monks I have met don't directly speak about kamma because they have been tired after practicing some years and now bit relaxed.
 

Johann

October 06, 2018, 04:17:26 AM
Such can be total kusala and total akusala or simply defuse. Set your mind right and be mindful, that nothing will be of harm for yourself and others.
 

Johann

October 06, 2018, 04:15:27 AM
There is nothing not permitted. Merits or demerits are the actors responsibility. One is full in charge of ones action in this Domain here, wanderer gus.

gus

October 06, 2018, 03:50:00 AM
Bhante, is it permitted to ask questions or post things on behalf of other/future people ?

gus

October 05, 2018, 09:19:32 AM
We have been advised like this:
"No matter however much monks reject you,
Never leave the place."
 

Johann

October 05, 2018, 09:09:37 AM
It's good when wanderer gus takes a rest, turns to a lonly place, enjoys the merits done and find a good place for his mind and fixes possible open wholes when clear where he likes to go some hours later.
 

Johann

October 05, 2018, 08:59:03 AM
Wanderer Gus knows how foolish this statement is. That is not the way to get out of a hole.

gus

October 05, 2018, 08:42:59 AM
okasa,
falling down from a status is suffering.
So, if I could stay in the hell-being status from the beginning, then no suffering.
 

Johann

October 05, 2018, 07:33:20 AM
From a state of a young Bhikkhu equal tradition...to householder... ...asura (now) on the border to animal, peta, hell-state. It can go quick if not having firm nissaya.
 

Johann

October 05, 2018, 07:29:27 AM
Aniccam vatta samsara...

gus

October 05, 2018, 06:56:28 AM
Evolution:
Bhante subhuti =>
Upasaka gus =>
Deva gus =>
Asura gus.

In the future:
Asura gus =>
Peta gus =>
Animal gus =>
Hell-being gus ???

gus

October 05, 2018, 05:51:42 AM
Okasa, I think bhante thinks me as a patriot because of some content of my posts. But it is not.
Vandami.
 

Johann

October 05, 2018, 05:41:33 AM
What ever one likes to, not touched like the moon, does not mean to praise what is blameworthy and vici-versa and to have metta not to let people run into hell if ways can be pointed out. Yet other choices at least are their. Be quick, your island drifts away!

gus

October 05, 2018, 05:34:15 AM
Okasa,
As long as I don't do exactly what you say, I think I'll not be able to make you happy or satisfied.
Vandami.
 

Johann

October 04, 2018, 02:12:55 PM
If thinking that this is for sure, if delighting in believing that connected things are a refuge and give space to rest: one may do so. Ones own choice. When ever one stops to nurish inwardly, ouwardly path and fruits die. Good as well as bad.

gus

October 04, 2018, 11:28:51 AM
If bhante didn't let the weak person to live in avatar/deva mode, then he will lose both openness and connection. Up to now I have secured at least the connection.
Vandami.

gus

October 04, 2018, 11:22:24 AM
Yet I appreciate and pay vandana for your care and advice on openness.
Vandami.

gus

October 04, 2018, 11:19:56 AM
Please forgive me  bhante if I have made you tired. I don't like to accumulate akusala by making a monk tired in expecting a naughty chicken to be a good duck.
Okasa dwarattayena katam sabbam accayam Khamtu me bhante!
 

Johann

October 04, 2018, 11:07:06 AM
 

Johann

October 04, 2018, 11:01:00 AM
Differnt asked "why is Bhante not happy, dwell not in outwardly seeming being not touched?" Because it would not only confirm and show sign of aggreement of unwise acts, but also very incompassionate and cruel. Also place for suspecting corrupt ways and invite others to follow the comfortable dwelli
 

Johann

October 04, 2018, 10:54:12 AM
No one is able to make my person angry, which does not mean that he would not appear angry so to possible prevent from doing what is not conductive for liberation, even lead in lower states. Nothing to worry, but also no invitation to test it foolish since it could hurt one self and others.

gus

October 04, 2018, 10:46:39 AM
Okasa bhante, Isn't there at least single way to stay anonymous without making you angry?
Vandami.
 

Johann

October 04, 2018, 10:33:12 AM
corr: "it's, the domain of the Noble Ones, is nobody's personal domain" there are no wards around fields for merits and no tickets to pay
 

Johann

October 04, 2018, 10:29:31 AM
What ever Deva gus feels inspired. It's oneones personal domain and all giving is good in the distance of the brigh cool moon. One should not fear, should not be shy to do what is good and praised by the wise but be quick!

gus

October 04, 2018, 10:21:39 AM
Bhante, is that mean you don't like me to talk about higher subjects and like to talk about basics only?
 

Johann

October 04, 2018, 10:02:12 AM
It would be more than good if teaching others a lot on the topic vandami (paying respect) and khamatu (asking for forgiviness) since unknown and not practiced here around this field of merits in compassion to former relatives, Deva gus.
 

Johann

October 04, 2018, 09:55:38 AM
...total no problem to dwell and lay down in the cool shadow to heal at all and no need to ask for pardon when intended for progressing and to get fit for the battles so hard to win.
 

Johann

October 04, 2018, 09:52:39 AM
But they would not feed them in ways which might look as nurishing relations for wordly sake directly, for people not understanding would think "look, he is herding, carry for his cattle, he wasts the gift of the land, the heritage of the Gems for his becoming and own gain. Understood? Total no prob
 

Johann

October 04, 2018, 09:45:29 AM
Never would people of integrity send away pets, petas or sick, for they are not able to change for now but possible can gain of what they need to change.
 

Johann

October 04, 2018, 09:42:28 AM
If, just to think about, one lives deliberatly with sign showing a rejection of firm trust in kamma, one lives in nurishing the danger of falling into grave wrong views and give ways that others follow what is improper to do. Just to reflect. How ever wishing to do.
 

Johann

October 04, 2018, 09:36:03 AM
What ever one does, holds as refuge or abounds, either good or bad refuge, one does for one self. Ones own choices, ones own fruits, ones own limitations, hindrences.

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