How do I deal with samvega while being a householder?
I'm having difficulties managing the feelings associated with samvega.
I don't feel quite ready to renounce the world yet, despite having strong urges to do so.
In a way, I want to have my cake and eat it too. I have always known that I want to pursue the monastic life eventually; the thought is always in my mind's background. However, I also feel that I have to succeed in worldly terms, and I'm not there yet.
I have been a Buddhist for almost 20 years. My grandpa introduced me to the Four Noble Truths when I was a kid. I have experienced samvega before, but this time, it feels stronger than ever, maybe due to the concomitant pasada (clarity) being stronger as well.
I need a plan of action. I feel that I need to settle out or reach closure on certain personal social issues before I set out on the path to nibbana, yet these feelings of samvega are threatening my plans, and I'm afraid I will end up not achieving either goal.
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammā-sambuddhassa
Wieder und wieder, werden die Samen des Korns gesät,
Wieder und wieder, senden herab die Götter den Regen,
Wieder und wieder, pflügen die Bauern die Felder,
Wieder und wieder, ist das Land bereichert.
Wieder und wieder, die Bettler um Almosen betteln,
Wieder und wieder, die gütigen Geber geben,
Und wiederholend gebend, die Geber machen,
Wieder und wieder, für glückliche Welten darüber hinaus.
Wieder und wieder, wird die Milch von den Kühen entnommen,
Wieder und wieder, zieht das Kalb zu seinem Muttertier,
Wieder und wieder, ein Lebewesen ermüdet und erzittert,
Wieder und wieder, gelangt der Narr in den Schoß.
Wieder und wieder, kommt Geburt und Tod über Euch,
Wieder und wieder, tragen Euch Männer zu Grabe.
Aber jene die klar sehen, den Pfad erkannt,
Welcher nicht zu Geburt führt, kommt nie wieder auf.
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammā-sambuddhassa
Again and again, the seeds of corn are sown;
Again and again, the deities send down rain;
Again and again, the farmers plow the fields;
Again and again, the country is enriched.
Again and again, the almsmen beg for alms;
Again and again, the kindly givers give;
And giving repeatedly, the givers make;
Again and again, for happy worlds above.
Again and again, the milk is drawn from cows;
Again and again, the calf goes to its dam;
Again and again, a being tires and quakes;
Again and again, the fool goes to the womb.
Again and again, comes birth and death to you;
Again and again, men bear you to the grave.
But he who sees clearly, having known the path;
Which leads not to birth, does not rise again.